The Difference Between Us
by brjto
Summary: Severus is able to restrain his anger and keep from calling Lily a Mudblood. How will this change things to come?
1. Prologue

_Prologue _

'Leave him alone!' James and Sirius looked around. James' free hand jumped to his hair. It was one of the girls from the lake edge. She had thick dark red hair that fell to her shoulders, and startlingly green almond shaped eyes.

'Alright, Evans.' The tone of James' voice was suddenly deeper, pleasant, more mature.

'Leave him alone,' Lily repeated. She was looking at James with every sign of great dislike. 'What's he done to you?'

'Well,' said James, appearing to deliberate the point,'…it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean.'

Many of the surrounding watchers laughed, Sirius and Wormtail included, but Lupin, still apparently intent on his book didn't, and nor did Lily.

'You think you're funny,' she said coldly, 'But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.'

'I will if you go out with me, Evans.' James said quickly. 'Go on, go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.'

Behind him, the Impediment Jinx was wearing off. Snape was beginning to inch toward his fallen wand, spitting out soap suds as he crawled.

'I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,' said Lily.

'Bad luck, mate,' Sirius said briskly, turning back to Snape.

But too late. Snape had directed his wand straight at James. There was a flash of light, and a gash appeared on the side of James' face, spattering his robes with blood. James whirled about. A second flash of light later, Snape was hanging upside down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants. Many people watching in the small crowd cheered. Sirius, James and Wormtail roared with laughter.

Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant as if she was going to smile, said 'Let him down!'

'Certainly,' said James, and he jerked his wand upward.

Snape fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself quickly from his robes, he stood, wand up, but Sirius said '_Locomotor Mortis_' and Snape keeled over again at once, ridged as a board.

'Leave him alone!' Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it wearily.

'Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you,' said James earnestly.

'Take the curse off him then.'

James sighed deeply and turned to Snape, muttered the counter-curse.

'There you go,' he said, as Snape struggled to his feet again. 'You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus.'

'I don't need help from filthy little…' Snape stopped, looking horrified, at Lily. 'I don't need help from little Gryffindor girls like her.'

Lily blinked.

'Fine,' she said coolly. 'I won't bother in the future.'

Lily turned and walked quickly away, soon breaking into a run. Severus, looked after her in horror, silently praying that she wouldn't be too upset with him. Potter too was gaping after her, rather stupidly in Severus' opinion. While Potter was distracted Severus redirected his wand at him and shot a stunning spell at the arrogant git. Sirius had seen Severus raising his wand and tried to retaliate but, Severus' shield charm was quick enough to block it and reflect it back on its path. With both of them stunned Severus looked around the small crowd, Pettigrew and Lupin especially, silently daring them to attack him. Lupin, as usual, looked quite disinterested and Pettigrew was slowly backing away.

Severus turned and hurried away from the crowd. He sobered as he neared the castle, silently berating himself for being foolish enough to lash out at Lily. Luckily he had been anger to restrain his anger somewhat, at least, and not scream the obscenity that had come to his mind. _That, _he knew, would have truly upset her.

Severus had a feeling where she had gone. He walked quickly to the Astronomy Tower, one of their favorite meeting spots as it was almost always empty and afforded a wonderful view of the castle grounds. When he reached his destination, he hesitated a moment before slowly, opening the door. Indeed she was there, leaning over the railing, as he had expected. She turned and looked at him, the harsh accusation in her eyes stopped Severus in his tracks.

"Severus sometimes when I come up here it's because I want to be alone." She said bitterly, turning away from him.

"I know…I just….I want to tell you I'm sorry…" He said, taking a few tentative steps forward.

"Save your breath." This time, however, Severus could hear the sadness in her voice and could tell that she had been crying. He stepped up to the railing with her; he wanted to put his arm around her but did not think she would allow it.

"I didn't mean for you to cry."

Lily released a choked sob. Well how about you learn I'm only trying to help you? Why do you have such a hard time accepting that?"

Severus shifted uncomfortably beside her. "I…guess I just…have trouble accepting help….from anyone."

Lily sighed deeply. "I know you're perfectly capable to taking care of yourself, but I just can't stand seeing them treat you like that. Potter especially, I can't stand the cocky, arrogant…" She stopped, unable to find a word that conveyed enough dislike.

"Toerag," Severus said with a small smile. "Was your excellent choice of words."

Lily's expression softened a bit.

Severus looked at her intently and said with sincerity, "I'm really sorry for what I said Lily. If you want I'll leave you alone for a while."

She sighed. "No, Sev, stay. Just promise me you won't get so mad if I try to help you again, ok?"

Severus pretended to consider it for a moment. "All right, if you insist." Lily smiled, which Severus was glad to see. "You know I can't stand it when you're mad at me…I'd hate to lose you." He finished in a soft voice.

Lily's smile only grew wider. "Well, you'll never have to ok? You're my best friend. You shared this world with me, one else can say that." Her kind words made Severus smile, and the two of the looked out from the Astronomy Tower together, content in their silence.

A/N: Really that was more of a teaser so stay tuned for more and don't be afraid to tell me what you think! Thanks for reading! :p


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

The day was done and Lily had gone to the Gryffindor dormitories Severus was back in the Slytherin common room. There were some others in the common room though none who Severus really spoke too. Mulciber, Avery and Selwyn had yet to join him in their room. His thin lips curled to a frown, thinking of them. Every day they were inching closer to the time when they'd be able to officially join the Dark Lord's ranks. Bellatrix and Lucius had taken the Mark their 7th year, Severus had a feeling his house mates would do so sooner. That little incident with Lily's friend Mary MacDonald was only further evidence, although Severus tried his best to pawn it off as a joke.

Severus' frown only deepened when he thought back to when he himself had wanted the Mark. When he had seen the Mark as a symbol of power and respect, and had hoped that once he had it others would finally stop treating as someone to be trifled with. Now, however, he knew that if the Mark ever touched his skin he would lose Lily forever. It wasn't as though he could sever all connection with his House mates either. Truthfully he wasn't sure he wanted too.

Hi reverie was interrupted by the sneering, self assured voice of Muciber."Hey, Severus! What're you doing staring into space like that."

He turned and glanced Mulciber, who was accompanied by Selwyn. Mulciber was muscular and tall, he would be a formidable opponent in any fight. Selwyn was lankier but just as talented. Severus remembered his foolish younger self had hoped friends like that would help protect him against the likes of Potter and Black. They were, in reality, rarely there to help although they always listened intently when Severus spoke about Dark Magic or curses he had invented.

Severus turned away from them. "None of your business Mulciber."

Selwyn smirked, and Mulciber chuckled at Severus' annoyance. "Ooh, touched a tender soft, have we?" Selwyn teased.

Mulciber's laughs stopped and said, "Maybe he's still a little bit sensitive after what happened today at the lake?"

Severus groaned. "Well maybe I am! A lot of help you two were!"

"We were…indisposed." Selwyn said, a smirk on his face.

Severus rolled his eyes, typical Selwyn, able to weasel out of anything.

"Besides," Mulciber continued, "We heard you had plenty of help from the Evans girl."

Severus frowned again. "Yes.."

"You know Severus, I'll never understand why you hand out with her so much. You know she's a Mudblood, if it's a shag you want then just get on with and ditch her…"

Mulciber did not see Severus draw his wand but he immediately felt the effects of the Bat-Bogey Hex. "Good night Mulciber." He said, in a quiet, furious voice.

He turned his back on the pair as Mulciber's disgustingly engorged mucus sprouted wings and started attacking him. Severus got a glimpse of Selwyn and Mulciber drawing their wands to ward off the bats before disappearing into his dormitory. With a groan, Severus pulled the curtains closed and charmed them shut, insuring that he would not be bothered.

Lily sat at her usual table in the library, furiously scribbling away at an essay for Charms. Charms had always been her best subject and she was determined to get an 'Outstanding' on the Charms OWL. A hand suddenly grabbed her quill, she looked up furiously to see James' smirking face.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Potter?" She asked, thoroughly annoyed.

"Rescuing you from your awfully boring homework.'"He replied, inviting himself to sit down next to her, glancing at what see was writing. "I thought you already knew everything about Charms.

"It's better than talking to you Potter, now give it BACK." She said, trying to snatch back her quill.

"Someone's a bit cranky today." James said, his smile only growing. "All this bloody homework is stressing you out why don't you let me take you to Hogsmeade, have some fun."

"I'd rather climb up a bowtruckle's tree."She said, looking through her bag for another quill. "Why don't you ask Marlene or someone to sneak off to Hogsmeade with you?"

"Because I don't want to go with Marlene." James said simply. Once Lily found another quill, James waved his wand and her quill floated away from her.

Lily scowled and was about to demand it back when they heard a shrieking voice, "No Spells in the Library!" James muttered, "Sorry" to Madam Pince and meekly gave Lily her quill.

Lily tried to return to her essay but, James was persistent. "Come on, Lily, we'll go to the Three Broomsticks, I'll get Rosmerta too…"

Suddenly he was interrupted by a sneering voice. "Potter, isn't it painfully obvious that she doesn't want to talk to you, let alone spend time with you?"

James went for his wand but Severus made no attempt to curse him, he merely sat down next to Lily. "Nobody asked you." James said, contemptuously as Lily greeted Severus. "I don't recall inviting you to sit with us."

"There isn't an 'us' here, Potter, there's only Lily and the stupid git who won't stop annoying her."

James drew his wand again, as did Severus, but instantly Madam Pince screeched, "No WANDS in the Library." Reluctantly they both put their wands away.

Lily sighed. "Potter, just get out of here, you've got your answer."

"Lily…"

"She said 'No' Potter, is your head really that thick?" Severus said, as loudly as he dared.

"You stay out of this Snivellus!" James hissed back. Severus momentarily lost his temper, waved his wand causing Lily's bottle of to ink zoom over James' head and tip over. Oily black ink dripped down his face as he raised his wand. Severus prepared to defend himself when they Madam Pince screamed, "That's it, you three, get OUT! All of you!"

James was going to protest but Madam Pince's austere look dissuaded him. He got up and began using his wand to clean the ink off his face as Lily shoved her books into her bag.

"Let me help you with your things, Evans." James insisted.

"Just leave me alone Potter." She replied hurrying away from him. Severus followed her, as he passed James hissed to him, "I'll get you back for that Snivellus."

Severus responded only with a small scoff, choosing to ignore the clumsy threat and caught up with Lily as she exited the library.

"Sorry I got you kicked out of the library." He told her apologetically.

"Don't worry about it, Sev; it's a nice day maybe we should go outside."

Severus looked outside, it was a hot, almost-Summer, type of day and there were sure to be a lot of first years running about the grounds. Suddenly he found himself missing the library. "Uh, sure."

Lily laughed a bit. "You need to get out more, Sev."

"I get out plenty." Severus said, pretending to be offended. "Especially during the summer." Which was true, really, Severus greatly disliked spending time at home.

"Then you can get a tan."

"I don't tan, Lily, I burn."

Lily laughed again. "So what are your plans for the summer, then?"

"I don't know, brooding?" Severus joked. "How about you?"

"My family is planning to go on holiday, I'll be gone for about a week, other than that nothing much." She told him. "Hey, I told Mary that I'd help her with her Charms essay so I'll see you later ok?"

"Oh, all right then." Severus said. "Talk later?"

"Of course**." **She said, smiling one last time before turning to leave. He watched her go and, with nothing better to do, headed off to the Slytherin common room.

A/N: Sorry this chapter was a bit delayed, been working more hours lately. I'll try to update this about every other day. Thank you all SO much for the reviews, etc etc. :p


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

When Severus arrived back at the entrance to the Slytherin common room he muttered the password and went inside, only to see Mulciber and Avery sitting on the couch in from of the fireplace, Travers was seated near them as well. They looked up as he walked in, obviously they had been waiting for him. As Severus approached he eyed them cautiously, it was possible that Mulciber was still angry about the incident with the Bat-Bogey hex, and gripped the handle of his wand.

But, Mulciber's only motion for Severus to sit down with them. Severus' eyes narrowed as he did so. Travers caught his eye, "Nice, job with that Bat-Bogey hex, Sev, it took me and Selwyn half an hour to undo it." He said, chuckling.

"All right shut up, Travers." Mulciber said as Severus sat down. "We wanted to talk to you, Severus."

"About what?" He asked softly.

"We just got word from Lucius." Avery said. "This summer he's invited all of us go to and spend some time at Malfoy Manor."

Severus frowned, knowing that would not help his situation with Lily at all. "Why?" He blurted.

"To meet some important people." Mulciber said. "And, discuss future…prospects."

"We'll all be going in a few weeks." Avery said. "Do you have a way to get…"

Suddenly Severus stood up. "I'll have to…think about it."

"What's there to think about?"

"I might have other plans."

"What plans?" Mulciber said frowning deeply.

Severus chose not to answer and instead walked away. The three other Slytherins watched as he left, perplexed. None of them would ever fully understand Severus Snape.

The days past and the OWL examinations continued. Some had been taxing for Severus, particularly Transfigurations and Charms, neither were subjects he excelled in. He though he had managed an "A" in each subject, at least. As for Potions, and Defense Against the Dark Arts he was sure that he had gotten an "O" in both. Lily had, naturally, done exceedingly well in Potions and Charms. Also she thought she might have managed and "E" in Defense.

Avery, Mulciber, Travers and Selwyn occasionally pestered him to accept the invitation to Malfoy Manor. Severus continued to give them vague answers or dodge the question entirely, committing to nothing. Thankfully, he was able to avoid them most of the time for they were busy studying for OWLs as well. As usual Severus would take refuge in the library, often studying with Lily. Oftentimes he couldn't help but smile when he thought about how close summer was, a time when he and Lily were always able to spend time together alone. A time when Severus didn't have to keep looking over his shoulder for Potter or Black.

So, on the whole, he was glad the day came when it was time to board the Hogwarts Express once again. However, another part of him resented the idea of returning to his dreary home, where Tobias prowled about half drunk most of the time and his mother barely took notice of her son. Severus felt a twinge of guilt and pity for Eileen, as he often did, though that did not improve the prospect of returning to Spinner's End.

Lily and he found their seats on the train, Lily stowed away her bag along with her owl, a little white creature named Daisy. Severus put his bags on the seat next to him, obviously hoping that no one else would join them. Thankful for the seclusion, he allowed himself to relax and smiled at her.

"So, are you glad the year is over?" He asked.

"Yes," she admitted softly. "It all seems to be going by so fast, doesn't it?"

"I know, how fast five years have already gone. Remember the first time we boarded this train?"

Lily smiled at the memory. "Yes, I was so anxious that day. Excited too." Lily thought back to those days about all the time they would spend talking about what Hogwarts would be like. "You were so adorable, Sev, the way your eyes lit up whenever you talked about Hogwarts when you were little."

Severus felt face reddened a bit, he gave a small laugh, hoping she wouldn't notice. "I…uh, only you would say something like that, Lily." She looked at him sweetly, her eyes searching his. Something in her gaze, the intensity, suddenly made Severus feel uncomfortable. He cleared his throat, "So, uh, do you have any plans for the summer with Mary or someone?"

"Me and Alice might do to Diagon Alley sometime." She replied, unperturbed by the sudden change of subject. "What about you and your…friends?"

"Uh, no, nothing. Nothing that I know of." Severus said reservedly."

Lily sighed. "Sev, why do you spend so much time with people like that, involving yourself in the wrong crowd? You-Know-Who is getting stronger by the day, and people like that are just lining up to join him. The thought of you…"

Severus frowned, looked down and, with difficulty said. "Lily…I…They weren't ever really they were just impressed with my knowledge of... er, Dark Magic. And I didn't want to turn turn them away…I've never really had many friends…"

"Why do you know so much Dark Magic, anyway, Sev?" Lily asked. "You're a good person. You don't need to resort to using that sort of thing."

"Well, I think it's fair to say that you can't understand Defense Against the Dark Arts without knowledge of the Dark Arts?" He said. "But... honestly... I guess part of me wanted to learn about them because I…just wanted to feel important…I was tired of being picked on…"

Lily reached out and took his hand. "Sev, you _are_ important, to me at least." She said, then squeezed his hand tighter. "I thought you'd have realized that by now you silly git. You're…you're really important to me."

Severus's heart clenched as he weakly grasped her hand and looked into her bright green eyes and brilliant smile. He struggled to swallow the lump in his throat and suddenly he felt anxious and queasy. Clearing his throat again he said, "I, uh, think I need….uh, bathroom."

Lily gave his hand another small squeeze before letting him go without another word. Severus exited their compartment and made his way to the restrooms. He grabbed onto the sink and looked at his face in the mirror, suddenly feeling like a fool. It wasn't the first time Lily held his hand but there was…something in the way she looked at him. Severus thought that…maybe she…

He shook his head violently and splashed his face a few times; after drying he frowned as he gazed into the mirror again. Severus Snape had never been one to place much stock in physical appearance, and he was most certainly not vain. But, looking at himself, at his obviously greasy hair, he suddenly felt self-conscious.

He steeled himself as he left the room, vowing to at least wash his hair every day. That was the least he could do. As Severus headed back to his compartment the same nervous feeling came over him. _Calm down, _he told himself, _it's just Lily you've talked to her thousands of times…_

Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted from his thoughts when he noticed that there was no one else around. He was suddenly alone, which, considering he was on the Hogwarts Express was decidedly odd.

His fears were confirmed when, in the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of something shifting and what looked like the tip wand. Severus went for his own wand but, too late.

"_Petrificus Totalus_" The curse struck Severus and he fell stiffly to the floor as James removed his Invisibility Cloak.

James knelt down and spoke quietly, fiercely, "Despite what Evans seems to think," He said. "Or whatever you've been able to convince her. I see right through your little act Snape. Me and Sirius both."

Severus struggled to move but every muscle in his body refused to cooperate, he tried different jinxes and hexes but nothing happened. "And Sirius can recognize a Dark wizard when he sees one, after seeing his cousin and brother going down the same path. You're just like them Snape, just like all those Junior Death Eater, twisted and dark…"

Severus was able to force the corners of his mouth to turn downward slightly but could move no more.

"You'll never be anything different, Snape. You can't." James said haughtily. "You'll never be someone that Lily could love…that's right I've seen the way you look at her. Don't even bother." James stood up and flicked his wand casually at Severus, "_Stupefy." _Then everything went black.

_"Rennervate." _

Severus stirred a bit, his eyes still closed. "Severus, come on get up." Someone said. Dimly Severus began to remember what happened and where he was, he tried to move a bit. He opened his eyes, still feeling disoriented, and saw Lily kneeling over him, a compassionate look on her face. Barely aware of what he was doing Severus reached up and lightly stroked her face.

"Lily…what…"

She smiled slightly and put her arm around him. "Come on; let's get you to your feet." She said, helping him up. "Do you remember what happened?"

"Uh, Potter." Severus said, a flash of anger burning through him.

Lily nodded. "I thought as much, Marlene told me Potter had a bunch of first years clear out of this compartment, I figured he'd try and hex you or something. What'd he do to you?"

"Oh nothing really." Severus said nonchalantly.

"Well if he tries anything else I'll make him vomit slugs." She said smiling. "I'm sure that would cheer you up."

"You have no idea how much I'd like to see that."

Lily laughed a bit as she helped him back to their compartment. Severus kept an eye out but Potter was nowhere to be seen. The door was still open and Lily gently helped Severus sit down.

"Thanks, Lily. I think I'm all right now. How long was I out?"

"Not long." She said sitting down next to him. "Maybe 15 minutes."

"We'll be at King's Cross soon then."

Lily nodded. "Do you need a ride home; my Dad's picking me up."

"No, thank you though. My mother said she'd get me." Severus said, frowning at the thought that soon he would be back in Spinner's End.

"Have you talked to your Mum much lately?" Severus shook his head but said nothing else.

Lily knew that Severus' home life was always a touchy subject. "Well, we're not leaving on holiday for about two more weeks. How about we meet tomorrow? The usual place."

Severus smiled. "I'll look forward to it." He said, knowing that spending time with Lily was pretty much the only thing he was looking forward to this summer.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Platform Nine and Three-Quarters bustled with its usual activity; friends said goodbye, made plans for the summer, promised to write and parents hugged their children. Severus pushed his cart along, keeping an eye out for his mother, behind him Lily followed, her small white owl fluttering in its cage.

"My Dad said he'd wait for me outside King's Cross." Lily told him. "Do you want some help fining your Mum?"

"Uh, no thanks I'll find her."

"All right, then." She said. "See you tomorrow?"

"Of course."

Lily wrapped her arms around him in a quick embrace and flashed him a smile before turning to leave. Severus returned her smile and watched her until she was gone, the smile remaining on his face. His smile faded as he turned to search for his mother.

There she was near the entrance, as usual she wore a sour expression as she scanned the crowds for her son, it looked as though she had swallowed a mouthful of lemon juice. Severus resignedly walked toward her until she spotted him and went to meet him.

"Hello, Severus." She said, her lips flickering momentarily with what could have been construed as a smile.

"Hi, Mother."

"You're ready to go?" He nodded. "Take my hand, grab hold of your things."

Severus did so. "We're going to apparate?"

She nodded as if it were no matter. Severus knew, however, that his Mother rarely, if ever, used magic at Tobias' insistence and Eileen complied fearing to anger the man. But she took her son's hand and, after the odd suffocating darkness, the pair of them reappeared outside their home in Spinner's End.

Instantly Eileen dropped her sons hand and walked up to the door. As she entered she told her son, "Your father is home." Then she was gone.

Severus slowed as he made his way up the walkway almost unable to bring himself to enter, unable to stomach the idea of another summer in this place. As he opened the door he pushed those feelings to the back of his mind. Inside he spotted Tobias sprawled on the couch, near him was the usual bottle of whiskey, half full.

Tobias turned his head and considered him for a moment. "What're you doing here?" He said roughly.

"Unfortunately for both of us_ Father_," He spat. "I live here."

"Don't talk to me that way boy!" Tobias growled. "She never told me you were coming home."

"Then I apologize for interrupting your stupor."

"Shut your mouth." Tobias growled. "How about you get a job instead of spending all year at that freak school of yours, help around the house…

Severus recognized this rant of his Father's and instead elected to take his trunk of belongings and begin carrying it up to his room.

"Don't walk away from me boy!" He heard from behind him.

"I have nothing to say to you Father." Severus hissed back to him. He continued to lug the heavy truck up to his room. Upon entering he was greeted by an even drearier scene, his room was small and grimy; no one had cleaned it in his past months at Hogwarts. A wave of his wand was all it took to make the room habitable, at least. Normally of course, students could not perform magic away from school but, the Ministry wouldn't know that it was he who had cast the spell.

Severus locked the door behind him and rolled his trunk into the corner of his room when he heard banging coming from below. He groaned, apparently Tobias was not going to just ignore his son today as he sometimes did. The incessant noise grew louder as Tobias approached, Severus kept his wand in his hand and only gripped it tighter when there was a banging on the door.

"Go away."

"Open the door, boy," Tobias's rough voice boomed.

When Severus did not reply Tobias kicked the door, it shook violently but refused to open. Severus, knowing how stubborn the man could become, opened the door with a violent tug.

He got a clear look at his father for this first time since returning, his eyes were bloodshot and narrowed as he peered down the end of his hooked nose at his son, the smell of alcohol lingered around him.

"I thought I told you to leave me alone," Severus hissed, his wand held out.

"Don't threaten me in my own house, boy." Tobias said dangerously. "You're a disgrace you, your mother, all of your lot. Your filthy mother never told me what I was getting myself into. then nine months later she spits out _you_. Useless waste of a boy you are."

"Shut up!" Severus yelled, incensed, pushing his wand farther into his father's face. "The only one who's a disgrace around here is _you…_."

Faster than Severus expected Tobias reached out and snatched his wand, in the same moment he brought his other hand around and struck his son, full in the face.

"Next time think twice before threatening me, boy. This is _my _house, and you'll not threaten me here." Tobias turned away, muttering "Useless boy" as he left.

Severus took a few moments to steady his breath, to restrain his anger. Within he heard the beginnings of yet another argument between his mother and father downstairs. Frowning deeply he went to retrieve his wand then lay back on his bed. He tried to block out the escalating dispute downstairs and instead focused on zapping the flies in his room.

_Home, sweet home. _He told himself bitterly.

The next morning when Severus woke from a fitful sleep he chose to stay in his bed for a while, reluctant to go downstairs again. Eventually he was able to will himself up, and he headed into the nearest bathroom. Inside he changed out of his school robes, having failed to do so last night, and into his ill-fitting Muggle clothes: some jeans that were too long for him and a plain black tee shirt. Afterward Severus, remembering his resolve from the previous day, washed out his hair with some shampoo and conditioner he found. He took a closer look at his face, where Tobias had struck him. It was slightly red but, not bad, he doubted that it would bruise.

Then Severus grabbed one of his Potions books and headed downstairs, in all likelihood his father had gone to work at the nearby mill but, he still walked cautiously, and kept a grip on his wand.

But, his father was nowhere to be seen; the television was off the bottle of whiskey was gone. Severus peered into the kitchen and saw his mother there, sitting at the dining table looking rather despondent. There was breakfast on the stove but, it did not look she herself had eaten. As Severus cautiously approached she did not seem to take notice of him.

"Mum?" He ventured.

Eileen glanced at him for a moment; there was the tiniest flicker of life in her dark eyes. "Severus." She said hoarsely.

Her long black hair, so similar to her son's, hung limply around her thin face, as if she had been trying to hide. Severus felt sorry for her, unlike him she had to deal with Tobias year round.

Upon looking more closely at her Severus could see that his mother's eyes were full of unfallen tears. Her face betrayed no feeling, however. "Mum," Severus said, his voice breaking a bit, out of sympathy for her. "Will you at least look at me?"

"Severus," Eileen whispered, "I…" She stopped unable to find what she wanted to say.

"Listen to me, Mum. You've got to snap out of this," Severus said. He paused, thinking what he could possibly say to help. "What's he done to you?"

Eileen frowned, "Tobias?"

"Yes, him," Severus said angry at the thought of his father. "He's ruined you, Mum, you know it. Why do you stay with him? He's destroying himself and his family. Why do you let him do it?"

"He's my husband, Severus," she said, her voice suddenly growing louder, more defensive. "He can't help it... He's got problems. I love him, Severus. How- how could you- ?"

Severus couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You love him! And you think he honestly loves you? This isn't what love is, Mother. Love isn't coming home and controlling your wife like a puppet, making constant demands of her, hating her for what she is." He paused, then, "Love isn't beating your son…and your wife."

She flinched violently at his words but said nothing.

Desperately Severus continued. "You... you could leave him, you know... We could both leave, get a room in the Leaky Cauldron…."

"I'm not going to do that, Severus." She said firmly. "I…I can't…" With another shake of her head she stopped talking, and her eyes took on that blank look once again.

Severus hung his head; he knew there would be no reasoning with her now. "You can't help who you love, Severus." He frowned at her words, "I'm going out." He said, suddenly.

Eileen nodded. "Where?"

"You remember Lily Evans? The girl I told you about."

She nodded again. "She's the one who lives nearby, whose family is Muggle?"

"Yes." Severus said, wondering his Mother would still feel odd about her son associating with a Muggle-born.

However the only thing she said was, "Go on with your friend, Severus." Still, she did not look at her son again. Severus felt odd leaving her there alone but, he did not know what else he could do.

The River near Spinners End ran along the edge of the town, a physical border between it and the less impoverished parts of the area. In the summer light the River looked cool and clear, it shined lightly, reflecting the Sun.

Severus sat a short distance away from it reading his copy of _Advanced Potion Making_, which he had bought the previous year from Flourish and Blotts to read in his spare time. He had not brought a quill so he was unable to make occasional changes to the book or scribble a not in the margin as he had taken to doing.

So, unable to make changes, he was only able to laugh at the authors foolish mistakes and ineffectual methods.

"Only you could laugh at a text book." A light voice came over the sounds of the River. Severus looked up to see Lily coming down to meet him, a smile on her face.

"Have you looked at this book?" Severus said. "It's like it was written by a group of pixies."

She sat down next to him and, taking the book in her hands, paged through it a bit.

"I could write a better potions book." He said.

"Maybe you should." She told him. "You're certainly smart enough." Then, taking a closer look at some of Severus' scribbling in the book she added, "Are these spells? I've never heard of most of them."

"Yes, they're spells. That one will make your tongue attach itself to the roof of your mouth. Used it on Potter and Black once, I'm sure Madame Pomfrey had quite a time trying to undo it." He said smugly. "And you've probably heard of _Levicorpus._"

"Why didn't you tell me you invented that?" Lily asked, _Leivcorpus _was a common prank at Hogwarts. "What about this one, _Sectumsempra_?"

"Oh, well, uh," Severus cleared his throat. "That one never worked out, meant it as a way to cut potion ingredients with your wand." He told her, which was, in the strictest sense, true. It wasn't until later he developed the curse for…other things.

She handed his book back to him. "You really are talented, Sev, you don't get enough recognition."

"I don't do well with recognition anyway." Severus mumbled.

Lily sat comfortably in the bright sunlight and threw a stone into the River. "So how was it going back to your house."

"Fine, how about you?"

"Good, my parents were happy to see me. Petunia didn't start any arguments, which is something, at least." She said. "How are things…with your father?"

"All right." Severus said, his expression darkening for only a moment, Lily however, picked up on this as well.

"Severus…don't lie to me." Lily said quietly. "Please?"

"Lily, will you let it go?" He told her, a little too roughly.

"Severus, stop shutting me out!" She said loudly.

"I…uh…Fine," He growled. "I'll tell you that he hit me again, and I'm pretty sure that he beat my mother later and this morning my Mum is practically despondent! Happy now!" He turned his back to her, frustrated.

Lily scowled. "No, I'm not happy, Severus how could you say that? I told you last time that happened you should get out of there, it's not safe for you."

"Well, my mother will never leave him." Severus grumbled. "And, I don't want to leave her alone with him."

"Why?" Lily asked, unable to comprehend why Eileen would stay with the man who beat her and terrorized their son.

"Because she _loves _him." Severus spat.

Lily sighed, she'd never understand Severus' mother, or his father for that matter. She looked at the boy sitting near her, now hunched over hugging his knees, and felt another pang of sympathy for him, for all he had to deal with.

She reached over and put a hand on his shoulder, "Sev, please, look at me?"

He turned to face her, his eyes, full of tears that he was holding back, found hers. "Sev, I'm so sorry, you shouldn't have to deal with this…I wish I could help you…"

"Lily, please…believe me when I say that you do help me…" He said through tears that he refused to let fall. "Just…please I want to be alone…"

Lily frowned, hurt by his words. She gave his shoulder one last squeeze, then got up without another word, leaving him there, alone. Like he wanted.


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Thank you all for the reviews and subscriptions/favorites etc. It's all very encouraging! I'll try not to disappoint. If everything works out well this should be a fairly long story lol. And I promise this won't be a Happily Ever After story haha. (Sorry if thats what you wanted.) So don't expect them to be married in the next two chapters haha. :P Now I'm ranting...Also! You may have noticed the title change, haha, I debated between the two titles originally and have reconsidered. It is in fact a song by a band called the Dead Weather so go ahead and give it a listen or read the lyrics, you'll understand lol. Heres a link: http:/ .com/ watch?v=3krwyh7_pOU (remove the spaces)**.** You should also remember the title Always and Never as well, if only to see that I had this story planned out from the beginning. **  
><strong>

**Chapter 4**

Severus spent the next two days holed up in his room, in self imposed isolation. It was easier to stay confined in his room than admit to himself that he should go talk to Lily, and smooth things out with her. When he became especially restless he almost tempted to do so... almost. His pride kept him restrained.

He sighed and tossed his book away, choosing instead to pace around his room. In the past days he had lost interest in most of his books or other things he would usually do to occupy his time. He wanted…something to do, he couldn't work on any of his spells for he was afraid that the Ministry might notice something was amiss if he continued using magic, and he had no ingredients for potions.

Then again, he remembered, there could be some things in the attic, and thankfully Tobias was at work, he'd be able to work on a potion in peace. The attic where was Severus kept all of his old school things, robes that didn't fit, books he no longer had any interest in. And it was also where Eileen kept spare potions ingredients, her personal library and the like; things Tobias had forbidden. So with nothing else to do, Severus made his way to the attic. Normally Eileen did not like Severus poking about in her things but, Severus thought, she never used nor cared about them.

The attic was dim, and even dustier than Severus' had been when he first got back. He past piles of junk, and things that he had discarded years before with no interest. There were a few large chests in the corner, he knelt beside them and opened one. The first one was mostly books, a few of them about the Dark Arts. Severus remembered sneaking some of these books down when he was younger, learning some of the first curses he had ever performed.

He put those aside, there were a few small jars of wormwood and asphodel which he took as well as some Sopophorous bean, he'd have some of those as well. The rest of the potions ingredients looked dried out or otherwise unusable. He wasn't sure what he could make with these things and whatever he could manage to scavenge from his left over school supplies.

Severus was going to close the chest but, then he noticed something else in the trunk that caught his eye, the various ingredient jars had covered it.

It was an old, dusty book, but it was away from the others almost hidden. Underneath the book was an old set of Gobstones. Severus cracked open the book, its spine was stiff, obviously no one had looked at this book in a long time.

Inside there were pictures. Almost all of them were Muggle pictures, Severus could tell because they did not move but, they were all pictures of his Mother and Father. They were noticeably younger and, even more amazing they were smiling. They were together, and they were smiling. Severus couldn't remember a time when he had seen that.

It was amazing how different their faces were, drained of tension and anxiety. Tobias was clean shaven and his eyes didn't convey the same sense of sullen frustration. Eileen's hair was neater, it was obvious she took more interest in her appearance. Severus was awestruck; he had never really imagined his parents as they were in these pictures. He knew, certainly, that once they must have loved each other. But, he didn't understand what could have gone so wrong.

There were no pictures of himself, he noticed. Perhaps it _was _him that had driven a wedge between his parents. Perhaps that was why, really why Tobias could be so cruel to his son.

It _was _his fault…

Severus shook his head. _Don't sit here feeling sorry for yourself. _He told himself.

"Severus?" A voice called. "Are you up here?"

Eileen's voice startled him out of his thoughts, he wanted to put everything back as it was, but his Mother was already approaching him.

"Nothing." He mumbled. "Potion ingredients."

She walked up to him and, seeing what he was doing knelt beside her son. "What are you looking at?"

Wordlessly Severus handed her the photo album, feeling decidedly uncomfortable. Eileen flipped through the old book, running her hand along one of the pictures.

"I haven't looked at this in so long. I'd…forgotten."

"I expect there are many things you've forgotten Mum."

As she looked through the pictures of who she once was, Severus could see his mother's mouth turn into a small, sad frown. Suddenly she closed the book, unable to look at it any more.

"Here" She said, holding the book out to her son. "I want you to have it."

Gingerly Severus took the old book from her hands. "Er, thank you."

She nodded, then began to shift through the other things in her old chest. "Go on, Severus." Eileen told him, wanting to be alone. Severus wanted to say something but, unable to find the words, he left her there, holding one of the old Gobstones wearing an odd expression.

* * *

><p>"LILY!"<p>

Lily frowned, wondering what had upset Petunia this time.

"Lily! Get this disgusting creature out of my room or I'll...I'll..."

Lily looked about her room, cursing to herself when she realized that she left her door and Daisy's cage open. Again. She gathered herself up, she had been reading a book and had drifted off to sleep for a short while. Leaving her room, she headed over to her sisters.

"TWICE!"

Lily winced at her sister's screeching voice.

"You've been back a couple days and this CREATURE," Petunia screamed, indicating the small white owl now perched on her dresser. "has already gotten in my room TWICE. I won't put up with it! It's bad enough I have to share the same house with a freak, the last thing I need is your disgusting..."

Lily tried her hardest not to roll her eyes. "Will you stop yelling? I'm sorry she got in here it won't happen again," Lily held her hand out and whistled, the owl fluttered over to her.

_"Thank you." _Petunia growled. "Now run off and pickle some newts or something why don't you?"

"Tuney, can't you just…"

"Will you _stop,_ calling me by that silly nickname? We're not five anymore Lily!"

"If you that's what you want Petunia." Lily said, exasperated. "You know you don't always have to be so hostile."

"I'm _hostile,_" She screamed back, tired of her sister's presence. "Because you are a disgusting freak...Mum and Dad don't care but, I can't stand living here with you! Even if you only show up here three months out of the year!" She concluded by slamming the door in her sisters face, Lily heard the lock shut.

Lily's first instinct was to grab her wand and unlock the door. Before she even had a chance to do so Petunia yelled, "And don't try any of your little magic trick, I'm sure you don't want another letter, like last time!"

Lily scowled, mostly because her sister was right, she had received two warning letters already, another one and she risked getting expelled. Unable to do anything else, she turned and stomped back to her room, Daisy cooed once in her ear before taking off from Lily's arm, taking her usual perch at the window. Lily crashed back down on her bed, unsure of what to do now. Part of her wanted to go find Severus but, another was still peeved that he seemed so reluctant to open up sometimes. She told him everything, laughed with him, let him see her tears. Shouldn't he be willing to do the same? She sighed; perhaps her expectations were too high.

With a small groan she pulled out some of her school books and began work on one of her summer essays.

* * *

><p>Severus was somehow able to endure another day of solitude before he finally gave in and decided to go talk with Lily. He had been able to kill some time the previous day; brewing the Draught of Living Death. Today was Saturday so Tobias home but, a few drops of the potion and he was fast asleep on the couch. That was how he spent most of his Saturdays like that anyway, yet Severus was glad he didn't have to worry about his Father skulking around the house at all.<p>

Lily's home was in the nicer part of the neighborhood, several blocks from his Spinners End. When he turned onto Lily's street, he knew he stood out like a sore thumb with his mismatched clothes and rather scruffy appearance.

Severus walked up the Evans' driveway to the front porch. With some hesitation, he pressed the doorbell. It rang, and a few seconds later, he heard footsteps approaching the door. He prayed that it would be Lily, or at least her parents, who were kind at least.

What are _you_ doing here?" Severus cursed, why did it have to be Petunia?

"I'm here to see Lily," Severus replied evenly.

"Well, she doesn't want to see you," Petunia said nastily. "That's why she's been hanging around here all day.

"Look," Severus said firmly, "I'm not interested in insults with you or arguing, Petunia. I need to see Lily... now."

Another voice called, out. "Petunia, who is it? Who's at the door?"

"No one," Petunia said nonchalantly.

"I don't believe you," Lily said with a hint of impatience in her voice. Lily came to stand next to Petunia.

"Well, it's not exactly no one." Petunia said. "But, this is hardly better."

"Oh, shut up, Petunia," Lily said, rolling her eyes.

Petunia left with a huff of indignation, leaving Lily staring back at Severus with raised eyebrows. "Well," she said, "What did you want?"

"I came to... to apologize."

"Really? You don't sound very sorry."

Severus squirmed with discomfort, but he forced the words out. "Please try to understand," Severus insisted. "I didn't want to talk about what was bothering me that day because, because... it's nothing new, all right? You already know my parents used to fight all the time, and things are worse now. I just…I don't like…It's hard for me too…"

He stopped; Lily's expression softened a bit as she stepped out of the house and onto the porch. "Did you wash your hair?" She asked suddenly.

Severus's mouth twitched a little on one side. "Yes, you didn't notice before?"

Lily shook her head, smiling a bit. "Sev, I know you have trouble talking about some things just, please, don't shut me out too much, ok. You shouldn't have to deal with all this on your own, no one should."

Severus nodded, "I know." He muttered. "Again, I'm sorry I'm just so used to…putting up walls I guess."

Lily gave him a small smile. "Would you like to come in for dinner?"

Severus shook his head, he was tempted but, Petunia always hounded him whenever he did. That was the last thing he wanted right now. "No thank you, Lily. Another time."

"All right." She said, kindly. "See you later. Tomorrow, I made plans with Alice, she starts her Auror training soon. I'm free the day after."

"See you then." Severus said. Lily gave him a small hug before he turned and left for his house.


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry guys I've been stupidly busy at work. This one is horribly short I know but the next few chapters should be interesting so stay tuned. Thank you all so much for the various support, you're amazing :P  
><strong>

**Chapter 5**

The days passed in much the same way since his talk with Lily. He still tried to avoid being at home but, he would usually take his meals with his mother and most of the time, his father was either out drinking or passed out on the couch. It was odd, after eating in his room almost exclusively. Occasionally though Severus' mother would smile or laugh, which Severus was always glad to see.

The days were long and lazy, as any proper summer was. He still spent much of his time outside, taking long walks or with Lily. On this particular day Severus and Lily were in their favorite spot along the river bank. Both were sprawled out, lying on their backs, perfectly comfortable in the cool shade. It was starting to get late; the sun had just begun to go down, casting an orange haze over the clouds.

"Sev?" Lily said.

"Mmm?" Severus replied, feeling his eyelids become heavy.

"I'm glad we could still have days like this."

"Like what?"

"You know, just….days when we don't have anything to worry about, we can just talk, like we did all the time when we were kids. Sometimes it seems like we're growing up to fast."

"You know we're only 15 right?" He said with a chuckle.

"I know!" She replied. "It's just…I don't know, I've been reading the Daily Prophet a lot. It's easy to forget theres a war going on but, things are getting grim out there, with no end in sight."

Severus nodded slowly, she was right of course. "Well, one thing at a time Lily. Let's try to focus on graduating before we worry about that."

Lily laughed. "Like you have a chance of not graduating, Sev. At this rate you're more likely to be Head Boy."

Severus scoffed. "I don't think so."

"Don't rule it out." Lily teased. "Slughorn already thinks you're the greatest Potioneer of this generation and you're one of the best Defense Against the Dark Arts students."

"Perhaps," Severus said. "But, I think Dumbledore is smart enough to pick someone whos reputation isn't as…checkered as mine."

Lily reluctantly conceded that point. Again, the silence fell between them, though it wasn't an uncomfortable silence, and neither felt pressured to speak.

In a few more moments Lily asked, cautiously, "Are things at your house…better?"

"Well…my mother is talking a bit more. And I've been dosing my father with Draught of Living Death so…I suppose that's better." He said with a smirk.

"You've been drugging your father?" Lily said incredulously.

"I made the antidote too." Severus said, to which Lily laughed. "It's a lot different not having to watch my back at home. I've run out though and I haven't got any more ingredients."

"Well, that's great about your Mum." She said, smiling broadly.

"It's a small step," he replied with a shrug. "Like I said one step at a time."

Lily nodded. The silence returned again, Severus' eyelids grew heavy, and this time it was not broken.

* * *

><p>Later, when it was completely dark, Severus woke up with a start. For a few moments he wasn't sure where he was then he glanced around and spied Lily, who was now sitting up.<p>

"Good morning, sleepy-head." She said, smiling.

"Lily…did I…"

"Yes, you did." Lily said happily. "You were sleeping like a baby."

Severus groaned.

"I was beginning to think you weren't going to wake up before morning."

"How long was I asleep?" Severus asked, sitting up.

"Not too long, although I should probably get back home."

"I'll walk you." Severus said, getting up. Before leaving they took one last look at the river, which glistened softly in the twilight.

When they reached Lily's home they exchanged goodbyes before going their separate ways; Lily and her family were leaving on holiday the next day so it was agreed that Severus would come over tomorrow to see her off.

Within five minutes, Severus reached his own home in Spinner's End. From the curb, he thought he could hear shouting coming from within the house. He frowned deeply he had left his mother alone with his father, probably not a good idea.

Sure enough, upon stepping through the front door, Severus witnessed his father standing over Eileen, his fists raised and ready to strike. Eileen was cowering in evident fear, his eyes wide with horror upon seeing Severus there.

"Go, Severus!" she said hoarsely.

Severus hesitated for only a moment. Then he drew his wand. "Get away from her." He said dangerously. "Now."

Tobias considered his son for a moment, he stepped forward uncertainly. "Don't you point that at me boy! Now get up to your room!"

"No I won't _father._" Severus hissed. "Now leave her alone or I'll be forced to hurt you!"

Tobias eyed his sons wand, he knew he was at a disadvantage, still several foreboding steps away from his son. Reluctantly Tobias backed away from Severus.

"I'll get you back for that, boy." He said angrily. "Just wait." Tobias grumbled some more before he was gone.

Severus took a breath, then stowed away his wand before going over and helping his mother to her feet.


End file.
